Rebranding yourself isn't easy. In your business life or your personal life.
When doing recovery work from a low nurture background & having all these uncomfortable, toxic characteristics - trying to shift or change is already a tough battle.
But it's compounded when you get wrapped up in thoughts about what other people will think as you try to change.
They've already seen your crappy behavior & life skills. They already have a 'view' of who you are. Past stories, traits & observations have already been set.
So when you show up in a different way there will always be your own discomfort, wondering if you're pulling it off & uncertain if you actually believe in yourself...then the outer scrutiny of others. Do they support you? Do they see how hard your trying? Will you get laughed at for doing it wrong? Or shamed by other toxic people who are envious of your bravery for leaning into healthier choices?
I've rebranded both my company as well as myself dozens of times. I've also been through Interior Design school where you bring your raw, artistic planning process to a table full of professors & they absolutely shred everything you have nervously worked on for the past week.
It takes some students 2-3 of the 4 years to figure out how to take the criticism in a constructive way & involve themselves in the conversation with an objective, learning approach. Some students never learn this & it's very painful. It can be very defeating to leave the meeting feeling like everything sucks so much you have to throw it all out & start from scratch, rather than take notes, address what's not working & make small alterations because you're pretty much on the right path...but you're still learning. So look at what you've done & build on that with the comments you were offered.
As I was building my business & creating my marketing & branding - I made SO many mistakes & a lot of cringe worthy social Facebook/Instagram posts, YouTube videos, chunky, gross marketing materials - even down right ugly web pages.
As I worked recovery from a low-nurture, toxic background I went through so many spiritual & psychological wardrobe changes I felt like a living version of Elton John's walk-in closet.
While I was learning things like boundaries & conflict resolution I sometimes went overboard while finding my voice. I lost friends & opportunities.
While figuring out forgiveness mixed with accountability I sometimes put too much on others or took on too much that was not mine. I had to circle back & adjust how I felt about something - sometimes even revisiting conversations with others that were hard enough the first time round.
While figuring out my healthy self soothing methods I could be judgmental of others & not give myself enough grace room or still refuse 'accepting help' as a valid piece of this growth. Which just made everything harder than it had to be & I kicked myself later for the self-sabotage. Or realized what someone's astute comments meant...way later.
But in the 13 Pillars I teach are some that feed back into soothing some of the growing pains of becoming the next version of yourself. Even as others scoff, comment or even critique you as you take on this metamorphosis.
Use Vulnerability
Thanks to the work of people like Brene Brown & Gabor Mate, we have a much better understanding of the importance of vulnerability. It is our level of exposure, both to other people, our inner self & new experiences. It's also the birth place of courage & bravery. Getting vulnerable with ourselves to go exploring, discover hidden places within ourself & have new experiences is necessary for us to grow past or beyond who we currently are. Getting vulnerable with others allows them to see us in a new way. Unless we shed our armor, even for a moment, to tether in, or tether out - we cannot experience change.
This means trying out new conflict resolution skills that don't fit our prior blueprint.
This means trying out boundary setting with someone we often have allowed to take advantage of us.
This means joining a new class or taking the first step in accomplishing a goal you've been scared of for over a decade.
This means looking like you don't know what you're doing (cause yah don't) in front of some people you don't know.
This means telling someone how we feel & having no idea how it's going to turn out.
It's definitely going to mean some failure.
Then Use Fluid Acceptance
Which is what we need in order to deal with failure. We also need it to be confident that failure is not the end. This tool allows us to look at our past & accept what we cannot change. Events or things we have done had outcomes & consequences that cannot be changed. People have decided on their impression of us & we don't have control of that. There are also things that do not need to stay as they are. We're often taught or conditioned that certain things in life cannot change - when that simply isn't true. The second half of fluid acceptance is becoming fiercely proactive about the things we do not wish to tolerate or accept.
This means accepting that actions & behaviors you participated in hurt someone & drove them away - but you can initiate repair.
This means accepting that you have damaged your health with poor lifestyle choices & you can start making restorative choices right now, moving forward.
It means you may have ruined a prior opportunity, but you can look into other ways to build or be a part of the life you wanted that opportunity to give you access to.
It means that a project or effort may have failed countless times - but you can choose to not give up.
Humans can constantly evolve & adapt. To have this process observed by others can be very awkward. Especially when they see fit to comment in unkind ways. It can be further nerve wracking when we are raised in an abusive environment where critique was ruthless or we were expected to be perfect.
It is never too late to make small or big shifts in who we want to be. There is no shame in trying on different behaviors or practicing new life skills & tools in the attempt to figure out if they suit us.
As an extra consideration - part of building a better life after developmental trauma & generational abuse is learning to 'choose' who you want to have in your ecosystem. You get to choose the people who 'see' you. Form a tribe that has lovely, supportive, honest, validating & helpful people around you. Not all honestly needs to be painful & differing perspectives can be offered in constructive (rather than destructive ways.)
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If you would like to start building your Core Resiliency Skills contact Coach Julia today. You will learn how to Thrive beyond your damage, become a Transitional Character, break abuse cycles in your family cycle & build the core resiliency skills most often missed when being raised in a low nurture environment.
Julia is a Holistic Health Consultant, holding a Double Diploma in Community Support & Addictions Work, is a Certified Transformation Specialist, Personal Trainer & Nutrition Coach & a Lvl 2 Reiki Practitioner. She specializes in Trauma Informed Practice & Resiliency Coaching and Holistic Pregnancy & Postpartum Health Coaching. PrettyAggressiveRecovery@gmail.com
When we discussed fluid acceptance working together last year it was a concept I never heard of. Radical Acceptance by Tara Brach was informative but didn't deeply jive with me. Our talks about fluid acceptance allowed me to resign from a position that was not working for me rather than pushing through like I would normally do. It continues to be a concept I use when things aren't working out the way I expected and helps me not go into the old feelings of shame with failure.